To The Kanakuk Community - Satan Preys, Jesus Prays

There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors." Adrienne Rich


Dear Friends,

In the movie The Music Within, a young aspiring speaker was told to 'get a life', go live a little and get some experience, earn the right to be heard and have a perspective/opinion. I could not write a blog, with empathy and insight, 'To The Parents of Columbine", or "To the Parents of Virgina Tech". With sympathy and opinions, yes . . . . but my imagination can only take me so far. Truth is, I don't know how those families feel. But I do know how Kanakuk feels, so for you I relate with empathy. Life is funny that way. It does afford us trials that we may earn a perspective, and hopefully a right to be heard. So with that being said I will share what is on my heart.

When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event.
-Robert Pirsig

I didn't feel it was right to take up so much room on the thread that many parents, etc. are writing on. I'm not part of your community, physically speaking, however I am a Christian, a mom, and the office administrator for a Christian camp. (I know that if it were our camp we would be absolutely devastated.) But most importantly I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. So in a sense I am a part of your community . . . of believers, of victims . . .of the confused and wounded, of the down right angry.

If you're going through hell, keep going.
-Winston Churchill

If you've read any of my earlier blogs, which I know you have not because this is my first time to even let anyone know I started a blog, I stated that it would be awhile before I talked of these things, having just come out of a summer where I share my testimony over and over and over. But in light of what has happened, I believe the time to blog on it is now.

"I'm doing this so that people who feel at 21 their lives are over, or they don't know how to have an intimate relationship, that they can be beautiful again."

My story, which I will certainly not share in complete detail, begins when I was around eight. My abuse didn't come at the hands of a camp counselor, or director, but it did come from someone highly respected in the church. Someone very active in his community, in society. Someone that, until that point, I trusted as far as I remember. Someone that was supposed to protect me, love me, teach me the things of the Lord. My father. This went on for eight years. I understand manipulation, fear, and the horrible consequences of sexual abuse to a person's soul.

Please note: I do not know the people involved in your case, I am NOT a counselor, I do not have answers, only my experience and lessons learned through the school of hard knocks and the love of Jesus. Reading this may give you some insight, or help you to undertand the outraged victims better, I do not know for sure how this will help some of you, I just know it will . . . I see the fruit of it all the time.

"People out there must be told about the self-loathing that follows abuse and how it's the greatest breakage in divine law to mutilate themselves, as I have done."

There are many questions. For one, to the parents of the children directly affected and those not directly affected who know Mr. Newman - or Pete as most of you know him - how could you not know? (Quote: When I was little, my mother always told me to beware of strangers. Today, I tell my children to beware of Uncle Chester, their Mother's Molester.”) “Molesters Do Not Wear an Ugly Mask. They Wear A Shield of Trust.”

Simply put, predators are masters at their game. They are cunning. They've thought everything through, sometimes for years. They've instilled their authority, relied on innocent trust, they tell the same old lines they all use. They have an amazing gift to shift the blame to their victims, some make threats . . . silence and secrecy is of the utmost. They 'understand' their victims, so they say, when others don't, and befriend them where a child may be lacking in some way - not anyone's fault, it is part of the human experience to be lacking in some way, or needing in some way, especially at these ages. Predators twist the truth, lure their victims in . . . . I'll say it again, they are masters at the game. They live double lives. The world sees only what they want the world to see, and they live their lie very convincingly. Trust me on this.

Bitter seeds have been planted, and they will at some point, without a deep intervention of Jesus and counseling, produce a harvest. May be years from now before the affects come full swing, and they may manifest themselves in weird ways unknown or misunderstood by the victim and those who love them. Don't let your children, or yourselves, off the hook when it comes to counseling. I refused counseling. Why? Shame, embarressment, fear, and the stigma that only 'sickos' go to psychiatrists. There is also a sense of loyalty to the one who abused you because, believe me, they have developed a relationship with you that evokes feelings of guilt if you tell anyone what they've done. You feel sorry for them, you worry about the consequences to them and to others . . . .It is a stronghold that is not easily broken in some. This I know. It is a mixed bag of emotions, very confusing, especially when "God" and 'trust' are in the mix. Children of sexual abuse are far more likely to be depressed, have feelings of unworthiness and thoughts of suicide, rebel against authority and act out sexually as well. It is sad, but true. I've experienced it all.

"You decide whether you look at your reality or live pretending these feelings don't exist."

"You have to crawl into the wounds to discover what your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin."

As I mentioned before, my Dad was respected in the church, or at least as far I remember. He was called on to lead prayers, to sometimes bring the message. He became this 'holy man' when we were there. But he became someone different at home. He was angy, abusive, negative, manipulative, perverted and controlling. YES, when there is such a contrast between the two lives any kid would make the rationalization that God is a fake. To me, God was mean, a liar, hateful and desiring for me to go to hell. I had no chance of salvation, or so I thought. I was evil, damaged goods . . . trash. I am quite sure I am not the only church-going kid in the world to come to this conclusion in light of abuse . . . .

My mother suspected. My brother suspected. I denied it. They were going through their own form of hell with him anyway. When I rebelled, my father tried all kinds of punishments, one of them being 'killing my beloved pet'. I got the message, I was not in control - HE was. I was nothing. So I lived with that belief and it governed much of my life. My brother, who is now serving a fifteen year sentence in prison, lives to this day with the same belief. He too never received counseling. If it affected him so deeply, perhaps steering him so wrong . .it can and will most certainly affect others in life the same way. A personal relationship with Jesus and Christian counseling are imperative. I cannot stress it enough. You must face your feelings - you must despite what others tell you, advise you with scripture to back up their advise - you must face this head on, embrace what you feel whether it 'feels' godly or not, ask God - it is safe and ok to question God, he is, after all, your father.

For many years, I shut down that place inside myself that needed to rage, cry, ask questions and basically just express herself. I made a conscious choice when I put 'Me' on the record not to stay a victim anymore."

"The last thing I want to be known as is 'The Girl Who Got Abused. The big turn around you make in your head is from victim to survivor."

Remember, WE ARE AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS! If counseling has a negative connotation, then find a Christian 'life coach'. There is no negative connotation associated with a life coach. But let me warn you, do your homework. Some counselors are as sick as the predators themselves and further abuse their clients because they become aroused by the incidents when victims recite their stories. Yes, we live in a confusing and twisted world. I hate to be the one to tell you if you have not come to this realization on your own before now.

To the children affected by this, those who have come forward, or want to come forward - be strong and courageous. I was not. I was a wimp. I ran. I would not testify against my Dad.

Absolute silence leads to sadness. It is the image of death.
-Jean Jacques Rousseau

Behind each human face is a hidden world that no one can see.
We cannot continue to seek outside ourselves for the things we need from within.
The demons will haunt us if we remain afraid.
Silence is one of the great victims of modern culture.
-John O'Donohue

Let me just say I've had to live with that guilt, other children have been hurt by him. He was arrested years after I left for abusing boys and girls from the neighborhood. It made all the headlines in my small home town. Friends from high school who had NO idea what I went through called me. I was humiliated, shamed. But maybe, just maybe, if I hadn't been so fearful, so self indulgent in my own feelings. . .I don't know. . . . maybe others could have been saved. I'm afraid to think of who all has suffered at his hands. His sexual addiction. Yes, it is an addiction, like drugs, alcohol, food . . .

Alcholics should not pass by a bar on their way home at night, drug addicts should stay away from friends who do drugs, food addicts shouldn't pass by a donut shop every morning on the way to dropping the kids off at school, and sexual addicts, pedaphiles, have no business working around children. When the stage is set, satan moves in. God told Cain, "behold, sin crouches at the door" . . . change your thoughts Cain, get a grip Cain, get over yourself Cain or you're going to do something you shouldn't, like kill your brother. Cain did not listen. He killed Abel. He gave in to his lust, his appetite for revenge. I find it highly unlikely that Mr. Newman 'fell into sin'. I believe this is probably something he has struggled with all his life. He knew . . . . I feel sure of it . . . he knew his temptations and struggles with this. Funny how religious some of the sickest people are. There are churches, bible beating worshipping and praising God churches that all of the members attend naked. Nakedness, sex and religion is not a new mix.

One of my close relatives, since the time he was nineteen, preached the gospel. Yes, he was a bonafide preacher, and counselor of the gospel. When my mother remarried, he banned her from his presence because she had 'no right to marry' (divorce is the 'unpardonable sin' in some 'religions', regardless of the circumstances). A few years ago he died of cancer. On his deathbed the confessions started coming in a steady stream. He was living a double life. He confessed one extra marital affair after another. He was always moving his family, changing jobs, from church to church to church. Why? Affairs. And come to find out, he no longer slept with his wife. He no longer ate in the same room with his wife. This had been going on for years. When he passed, he was involved in yet another affair with a woman he was counseling who attended the church he was pastoring at the time. Five hundred members. Five hundred, probably, unsuspecting, trusting members. God help us all. How do we know who to trust? I don't know the answer to that one, other than Jesus, and we do the best we can.

When I found this out, the adultry, I was devastated. My first thought, being a new babe in Christ, is that Jesus is a fraud. If his power was real this could never have happened. I could not trust Jesus to save me from myself, the devil, much less the wounds of others if a preacher of the gospel could live a double life like this. Preach against it from the pulpit and commit it every chance he got. It threw me in a terrible tail spin. The more I thought about it, tried to make sense of it, the more it was spiritual suicide for me. It took me a long time to come back to Jesus, and try to trust him with all my heart. I know people are responsible for their own actions, but I often forget this fact, and that we all have free will. The natural reaction is 'where is God?". "How can this happen?" I don't have all the answers by any stretch of the imagination, but I know in my knower that Jesus is real, loving, good, and has good plans for us, and not to harm us. I just know it, even though life often looks quite contrary to that fact. Believe me, I've dealt with my hatred of God for allowing these things to happen in my life. He is big enough to handle my feelings . . .

When I was a pre-teen, or early teen, I was playing the organ for a bed-ridden sick elder of the church. We were at his house for lunch and everyone left to either prepare lunch or go outside to play, etc. I was asked to play the organ because he enjoyed it so much, so I was left behind with this man. Old, sick man. After a few minutes he was sitting beside me on the bench. I kept playing. He ran his hand up my shirt and felt my breast. I kept playing. He patted me on the breast and nodded his head in approval with a sickly grin. I dropped my hands to my side, my stomach became ill, I was unsure of what to do. This man had given me shiny new one dollar coins every year to celebrate the new year, as he did all the children in church. (During the 70's this was a big deal.) He was a friend of my family. He was an elder of the church. His wife made wonderful cookies and let us eat honey straight off the comb. I was devastated. It took me a long time to tell my mother, who told my father, who approached this man. Do you believe my Dad protected me? No. The elder told him that he had seen girls in church act jealous of me, and he thought it was because I stuffed my bra, so he wanted to help me make more friends with these girls by advising me not to stuff my bra. But first 'he had to investigate if I was stuffing my bra or not' but, he discovered, I wasn't so he didn't say anything. My Dad said he understood his thinking, his reasoning, for 'touching' me - it made perfect sense in his eyes. Birds of a like feather flock together . . .

My Dad is seventy. Old and sick, as in very sick. Yet he is, probably as I write this, forcing his wife to pose nude for pictures so he can put them on the internet. How do I know? She said so. She's kind of a simpleton, much much younger than he. But she's getting sick of it . . . .God give her strength to fight. I don't know what to do. She's got to stop this.

When he got arrested for abusing the neighborhood kids he burned the pictures he forced me to take because he knew the police were coming. Believe me, predators may play the innocent card but they know they are doing something wrong. They know, yet they justify, they know. And their addiction drives them, unless they are able and willing to give it to Jesus. I would never trust someone with this history to be with children. Never. No matter what. It is too much strain for them, too tempting. Before my Dad was arrested for abusing those kids, he was taking them to church faithfully. The members of that church who knew full well what happened to my family, what we went through, some of them being relatives, told my mom, 'You should see how good he is with those kids. He's changed." My mother tried to warn them, they didn't listen. He had not changed. They were fooled yet again. :(

Why didn't my mother get me out of this mess? She didn't know, she suspected, she wanted to but she didn't know what to do, and didn't want to falsely accuse. She had no money, she had no where to take us, she had no job, and he threatened her that he would kill us if she ever did leave. She just didn't know what action to take. And, to top it off, she had no proof, and her Christian convictions would not allow her to leave him. Sad. Sad, sad, sad. She has turned her back on Christianity. I cannot blame her.

I do not know if I have said anything at all that resonates with anyone who is reading this, who is hurting, that there is hope. Up to this point, probably not. But please allow me. Jesus is the only thing that saved me. From my past, from myself, from fear of my future. No man saved me, the church didn't save me, Jesus did. Jesus is the only way. Not religion, Jesus. Do I still struggle? Yes, some days more than others, some days not at all. But other days something will trigger me. My husband has paid a high price because of all of this, when he was not the one to do it. Not long after I was saved I found a library book called, "Healing Victims of Sexual Abuse". I cried my way through it. Then my husband was invited in to my world of shame, and he cried his way through it with me, understanding me better, and filled with hope that there is hope.

I can tell you right now, no matter what you are feeling, no matter your fears, your confusion, your outrage, your questions - there is hope and there is healing. There is, I know. I've earned the right to tell you this. You must seek it. Please don't assume all is fine. Get help and trust God. Press forward with honesty.

Quote: The desire to forget the past is a form of suicide.
I have come to believe that many of us would sooner die than remove our masks and stand barefaced before the world.
-richard bode

Romans 8:28 (The Message)

26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Quote: If you always watch the demons behind you, then you will never see the angels ahead.

"The idea is to rescue myself from the role of a victim. That I have a choice left. Though I can't change what has happened, I can choose how to react. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life being bitter and locked up."

Jesus can take any mess and make it a message. What you have endured, unfortunately, is not the exception in this world anymore. It is more common than not. There will be others, and you can be there for them but it WILL take time.

SATAN PREYS, JESUS PRAYS
Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers" (Luke 22:31-32). That is my mission in life now, to share my testimony - which qualifies me to speak about such things. My sexual abuse teacher in counseling had never been abused. She damaged me with impatience, and scrutiny in my healing process. I truly believe that in some things only someone else who has been there can truly help, if only by listening.

If you have made it this far in my posting, thank you for allowing me to speak into your life. I am praying for all of you. I wish I had more answers, sound, solid advice that would quickly fix this but there isn't a quick fix to this kind of wound - it just cuts too deep, but this I know - you must Choose Life, Jesus WILL walk you through.

Fights are rarely fun. In fact, given a choice, most of us would gladly eschew fighting altogether. After all, constant squabbling and bickering with others can sap our strength, zap our enthusiasm and wreck havoc on our day. And generally make us feel lousy to boot. But someone must take the stand.