Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Serpents and vile things

So, the director of camp found a snake in his office this morning. This is not surprising. I found a snake in the supply closet my first day of work here. We work in the 'wilderness ya know' . . . . sports, adventure and 'wilderness' camp . . . this stuff happens. Anyway, it reminded me of when I got a rattlesnake caught in my hair. A rattlesnake? Gee whiz, how did that happen? Well, I'm glad you asked . . . .

It was many moons ago . . . I was a radio deejay then and had been assigned to cover the Rattle Snake Festival in Taylor, Texas. It was, ummm, interesting. I was put into a pit, yes full of rattlesnakes, with short shorts and boots on. As a gimmick (which quite honestly was not all that funny to me) a handler came up behind me and wrapped a snake around my neck - of course he was holding it very firmly by the neck just behind the head, however the scales got caught in my hair - MY ENORMOUS 80'S HAIRSPRAYED LONG HAIR (even though this was in the 90's). It was not a quick fix untangling me (and me with a tender scalp to boot!) and I was fit to be tied. Of course, I had an audience of people who cheered, jeered, and ate it up. Perhaps this is what a successful stint looks like. Maybe, just maybe, they thought this whole thing was rigged; a stage act to entice the masses to laughter, or heart pounding excitement. For me it was definately the latter . . . .I think I peed myself (well, not actually but it makes for a slightly better story). I did scream.

I sat on top of a billboard off of I35 once and broadcasted a show from there. It was fun, interesting, kinda stupid - we had our reasons. There was a song, can't remember it to save my life now but pretty sure it was a Trisha Yearwood song, that had a 23 second intro before the vocals kicked in. I LOVED to talk through the intro, very conversational, casually, all the way up to the lyrics. I had the timing down perfect, I knew right when to quit talking because I knew the song too well to step on the vocals. But to the guys running the board, it would always make them nervous. I remember being on top of that billboard just a talking away over the intro and the guy running the board was panicking that I was going to run ontop of the vocals (I could hear him in my earphone but the audience of course could not). I enjoyed making him sweat . . . .oh the silly things we get wound up about! And some things in life are just that - silly, not worth the time to get our knickers in a twist over. But then there's the things in life that wound so very, very deeply . . . .

I think about that rattlesnake caught in my hair, his venom so close to me. It's like electricity, if mishandled it can sure cause some damage, like life threatening damage. That's why we have to keep control over it. It's also like unforgiveness, or anger or uncontrolled lusts and impulses. If we can't keep control over these things they'll take a bite out of us that cuts all the way to the bone, and takes forever - as in forever - to heal. Even when part of it heals, another part festers and gets infected, and it never seems to truly heal.

That's where I am with my Father. Where I've always been with my Father. I want to heal. I've forgiven him, only because Jesus gave me the strength. I talk to him sometimes, I tell him I love him . . . truth is I do love him and always will - that's how God wired the child and parent relationship . . .I was with him during his last surgery, I took him in and paid for one of his doctor visits, made sure he had food in his house . . . "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee," Exodus 20:12. "Honor thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee," Deuteronomy 5:16

But I'm still afraid of him because I'm not sure 'anyone' or anything is holding him firmly behind the back of the head, around his neck, keeping his venom away from me -No Higher Power - namely, Jesus. Not that God forces anybody to behave, it's a mind set, a belief system, a Love for Jesus that keeps us in check. He claims to know Jesus but has never asked for forgiveness, so how can he know Jesus - I mean that's a logical question. I believe he is 1. in denial and 2. not so sure he was in the wrong anyway, I mean he can justify himself - no problem. But not admitting wrong over years of misconduct, or being able to see the damage caused in the wake of repeated actions doesn't exemplify a life in or the knowledge of the Jesus that I've come to know, and his love.

If he doesn't know Jesus - which like I said, I can't believe he can and live the way he does - it is apparent then that nothing is holding him back from striking again. . . see what I mean? That's why I can't trust to be around him. He is SOOOOOO hung up on sex - he continues to ruin lives over sex - so I cannot trust him, even at the age of 70. How utterly ridiculous!

<< Luke 10:19 >>

"Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you.

This is why I love Jesus. He doesn't abuse me. He loves me, and not in some twisted way. He is patient with me as I overcome - by his strength and authority - the intense negative feelings for my father, among other things. He has walked my husband and I through sexual abuse together so my husband can better understand me, and what he's up against. Jesus cares, this I know. He's not a pansy _ss either, he doesn't let me get by with acting like a spoiled child and doing it my way, but without him - and I lived for many, many years without him -I had no hope. Why wouldn't I want to submit to his way of doing things?

This is one reason I thoroughly relate to Anne Lamott in her plight with her mother. She kept her in the closet for two years (well, her ashes) because she couldn't bring herself to forgive her enough to let her out. It just took time, healing and lots of Jesus.

I think of the blind man that Jesus laid hands on for healing. The blind man says, "Now I see men walking around like trees". Hummm, the healing isn't complete then, so Jesus laid hands on him again. That's me, but I think Jesus is on his twenthieth round at least and I'm still not seeing things clearly . . . . I still 'see men walking around like trees', for lack of a better way to describe where I am in my healing process.

The Healing of a Blind Man at Bethsaida
22They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. 23He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, "Do you see anything?"
24He looked up and said, "I see people; they look like trees walking around."

25Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly


Oh well, as Joyce Meyers says, "I may not be where I want to be but Thank God I'm not where I use to be" . . .Later

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